Not so “Happy” Diwali

Today is Diwali and it is not happy for me. Considering all the losses which I have suffered this year, it, infact, cannot be. It seems neither luck nor circumstances are favoring me. And I, I am losing my self-confidence day after day. It is not that I am not trying to win over these difficult situations. Rather, I am putting in my best efforts. I am putting in my soul and heart in achieving my crystal clear dreams. I am not digressed and I am not confused. I am completely dedicated for them. But still with every passing month, I am greeted by nothing but failures; failures which are shaking my confidence and failures which are delving me more and more into profound loneliness.

Beginning with January, I tried hard to convince my parents that they allow me go to coaching. But they did not. I continued to convince them till June. But all in vain; and this is my first failure. I then started preparing for the exam on my own with the aim of completing the complete syllabus in two months of summer vacations. And see, I did finish it with all sorts of questions practiced. Next I tried to get contact with a good company for Industrial training and indeed I got one; but the internship was there in Shillong or Jammu. I could not go there because I was preparing for the exams and therefore I had to work as an intern in some local company. And that training does not have much value. This is my 2^nd failure. Months passed and a fortnight before reopening of my college, I came to know that C-DOT is visiting our campus for placements. I prepared for it completely; reading all the text books thouroughly, surfing through the net to find placement papers and questions, and practicing for the interview daily. I had thus put in my best efforts. The interview also went very well. I managed to answer all the questions, and presented myself with full confidence. But when the results were announced my name was nowhere to be seen! I had always been a bright student and ranked third in my college. And infact the interview had also gone very good. Still I have to face this scenario. And this is my third failure. C-DOT was my dream company and I was very much broken when I could not make into it. Also, there wasn’t anybody who could tell me my faults so that I may work on them. Simply nobody. Before C-DOT, I had given interview for Winshuttle. But it did not take any student from ECE branch. It, in fact, did not bother me much because I was not expecting for Winshuttle. I was totally focused on C-DOT. After it I have given interviews in Adobe and Capital-IQ. But they are s/w companies and don’t prefer electronics students. Still I have nobody to guide me. I often ask myself, have I made a mistake by not choosing CSE? Have I or Have I not? After facing 4 rejections, anyone’s self-confidence can shake and hopes break. As if it was not enough, another blow came to me. We, 4^th years, were removed (Still we don’t know why…) from the Techno-Literati society; the society I had been working for for the past 4 years, and the society for whose post of Vice-President I had been nominated by my seniors. We could not question the society’s teacher because she is “very khadoos”. This is my fourth failure. Now talking about the exam I was supposed to give. I soon realized that my concepts were a little bit weak and they could have been made stronger if I were given proper coaching. I wanted to appear for GATE with full preparation and sound concepts. But realizing my situation, I dropped the idea of giving the exam and did not fill the form! And then came the news that all the PSUs have made GATE score as their most important criteria for recruitment! And because I had not filled the GATE form, doors of PSUs were totally shut were for me. And without sound concepts it wouldn’t be useful sitting for ISRO. I always wanted to be an astronaut or space engineer. With ECE, I could have made into ISRO. But all my dreams were shattered. And the tragedy is I am still not placed anywhere. This is my fifth failure.

With so many big failures, I am beginning to lose my self-confidence. I am bit sure that I will get placed in one or the other company on-campus. But will it be my dream company? Will I be able to work in it? And will I ever be able to take coaching so that I can make into ISRO? How will I find out time from my (would be) busy working schedule for coaching? Will I have to drop? Why is my bad luck favoring me? Questions galore and I am trying to find their answers by spending sleepless nights.

If you exist, then please listen….

While writing this, my eyes are completely filled with tears, my mind is weeping and my heart is broken. I am sitting alone in my room and thinking of the girl who is completely unknown to me, whom I have never met before, and about whose appearance I can only imagine. But it seems I have known for long because I can feel her pain, I can understand what trauma she is going through and how much struggle she is facing in her life. Here I go…

The other day my mom told me about Ms. Kaurobi, her colleague in school. She is an unmarried Bengali girl, perhaps 27 years of age. Her family includes 3 married sisters and a “before time retired father”. Her mom had succumbed to injuries when she was quite young. Her father had to take retirement before time to get money for treatment of her mother, to get money to marry his 3 daughters, andto get money to get no pension in the future. Kaurobi witnessed all this at a very short age of 15 years and circumstances made her mature before time. They made her self-motivated and determined. Immediately after completing her standard 12^th, she started teaching in a school and till date is doing so. With the salary she gets(10000/- pm perhaps), she is pursuing her graduation, taking care of her father, and meeting all the daily expenditures in this big city Delhi. She also does the complete household work by herself because, of course, she cannot afford hiring a maid. She has an air-conditioner at her 2 room flat but hardly does she puts it ON. Her father is also unemployed. With so many responsibilities on her shoulders and lack of time, it isn’t any wonder that she never ever brings complete and nutritious lunch in the school—either roti-achaar, or plain chawal, DAILY. (Her favorite dishes are fish and chawal.) She neither has a friend nor anyone who can help her, with whom she can share her feelings. All that she feels is loneliness…  

When principal of the school scolds her for petty issues, when senior teachers make fun of her attire, she does not reply anything!!! Finding an opportunity and taking into belief Ms. Kaurobi, my mom asked her the reason of her ever increasing silence. And she weepingly replied--- “I am needy, ma’am. So I dare not say anything which can threaten my job in this school.” This was the complete answer to all her problems and she narrated all what had happened in her life to my mom. Since then my mom has been sharing half lunch with her.

I salute the courage with which she is facing all problems in her life. I don’t believe in god, I have certain enmity with Him but because people say god exists and always solves the problems of anyone who prays to Him, I leave my ego aside and pray to you god with folded hands—Please help her. Don’t be so rude. Give her some happiness; happiness which she deserves. I leave aside all my hatred towards you, and pray--- Pleassssse help her. Give her the courage to face all sorts of problems. Have mercy on her.

Saying thanks would simply not be enough…

This article of mine is dedicated to my mom and dad. Since the day I was born, they have supported me by all sorts. Their love is selfless, and their care priceless.

I have seen my dad struggling and rising from the post of clerk in a bank, where he was supposed to work for eight hours in a STANDING position, to the position of bank manager. I have seen him spending more than half of his salary on my education. I have seen him struggling hard to accommodate a house of his own. It’s not at all easy to live in a city like Delhi with only one person earning. I have seen him fighting against all the oddities and still calm. I have seen him not sharing his sorrow with anyone. Howsoever harsh the situation might be, he had never made us feel the burden of the situation. I remember my dad gifting me walkman, carom, chess, laptop, mobile phone, etc. on my birthdays. I remember how he would teach me mathematics, and scold me sometimes even when he couldn’t get the answer!  If I calculate, then till now (that is 20 years), he has spend approximately 60-70 lakhs only on me- my education, my clothes, my food, etc, etc, etc.  In this amount he would have easily accommodated one or two houses. But he did not do it…!  And it is not only the question of money. Along with lakhs of amount, what he has given to me is immense love, care, and affection--- which I think would value more than trillions and zillions.

I have seen my mom leaving her job (for 20 years!!!) only to bring me up. I can easily recall how she would take care of me whenever I was ill. She would not sleep! I remember how she would play with me. I remember my mom getting at 5 in the morning only to get me ready for my 7am school, only to give me good breakfast, and only to make me smile. I never needed any tuition because she was an excellent tutor. It’s only because of her that today my basics are strong. I remember my mom wiping out my tears whenever I was sad. I remember how she would make me participate in various fancy dress competitions and (hats off to her), I would always win…! I remember how she was always on her toes to admit me to some useful summer vacation courses every year. Just to name a few-swimming, dancing, piano, dholak, mehendi, computer courses, etc, etc, I remember how during exams she would make us complete our syllabus in the day itself so that we may not have to study till late in the night. I remember how more than me, my mom was anxious in knowing my board exam result. I remember how she had jumped with joy when she came to know that I had got 93 marks in Hindi subject in my class X boards  (and I was expecting only 70!!!), which, of course, she had taught to me. I remember how she would make all types of dishes- north Indian, south Indian, Chinese, etc, etc,- at home so that we may not have to go to restaurants. My birthday falls on chilling and teeth biting day of 5^th January. I remember we did not have any maid at our house. So during my birthday parties she alone would have to prepare good food and then clean the utensils in almost freezing water. I remember she was the only one who argued with my dad and convinced him so because I wanted to undergo coaching in my class 11^th. She did not care about the fees!!! It was 21000/-, a big amount for us….

I do not need words to tell them that I am sad; they can judge it by my silence itself- a situation where my friends might fail. Thankfully, I don’t need to ask them sorry; they forgive me always.  I feel happy that I have someone whom I can talk to at any point of the day. I don’t need appointments to meet them or disturb them or even call them. I am fortunate enough to have parents who have never ever forced their wishes upon me. I get before I wish. They have fulfilled all my wishes. They gave me good name, good education, and all before I could tell them that I want it!

Today I am 100% sure that to whichever corner of the world I may go, my parents will always be there beside me. Unlike friends, they wouldn’t think of the telephone bill and will talk to me endlessly on phone whether it is local, or STD, or ISD. I might sometimes feel alone or ignored with my friends, but I feel special in the company of my parents. AND MY LITTLE SISTER HAS A SPECIAL ROLE TO PLAY IN IT.

To all that my parents have done for me, I would be extremely happy even if I am able to do 0.00001% of it for them. Their debt is the only debt in this world which, I think, can never be re-payed. Parents take care of their children in the best possible manner, fighting against all the odds. They support them emotionally, physically, and socially. Saying thanks to what they have done would simply not be enough….  

Infinite to know

The other day, I was watching some interesting facts of history on TV. They were talking of the Travancore rule and about the mysteries of pandavas and kauravas. They were discussing of the immense wealth which dynasties used to hold ages ago with an oomph !

I realized all of a sudden that there is a lot to know. Information around us is unbound. My life keeps on revolving around DCS and AE, minors and majors, internals and externals, and I hardly think about anything other than my books. Yes, this is just a speck of information which I am learning. Many more vistas are there which I haven’t touched even.!

Our universe is vast and a lot has to be studied about it. History is mysterious and its secrets need to be unveiled. Music is composed of just seven literals and any song can be composed from them !!! Just vary the complexity.!  Lot to be studied!!!  I don’t even know what is the exact map of earth and to which continents do the various nations belong? I also don’t know how to prepare good food and I am unaware of the technicalities of working in an organization. I have to complete reading all the parts of Harry Potter series and I don’t know who Macbeth was.  I am still not over with my B.Tech and I have yet to learn a Master’s Course!  Most importantly, I also have to gain great experiences of life.

See… There is splendid amount of knowledge around us and a lot more to be explored. Our aim should be to learn as much as possible, and effectively utilize them in our lives.  I guess one lifetime wouldn’t suffice !!!!

Womanly chats have their own charm.

It has been just three days in the technical training and I am beginning to realize one thing. Let me put it like this:

I am now surrounded by men in the company from 10-5pm. And their talks are completely different from that of women. They talk of business, they talk of politics, they talk of taking the sales order from Chennai, and they talk of the fast-unto-death strike taken by “baba Ramdev”, they talk of ChandraGupta Maurya, they talk of buying this property, buying that share, and the chats go endless.

They discuss of their children’s admission in different colleges and I swear their conversations depict that they are intelligent, sensible and practical-minded.

But amidst all these intelligent discussions, I am missing the womanly gossips! These gossips have their own charm. They talk of “Akshara”, they talk of “pavitra rishta”, they talk of “ram kapoor”, and they talk enthusiastically about “ratan ka rishta”…..!!!!!!!!!     They would back bite about Mrs. Sharma or Mrs. Verma or Mrs. XYZ and would give a complete one hour lecture on what Mrs. Sharma or Mrs. Verma or Mrs. XYZ should do and don’t do, once given an opportunity. They love shopping and can often be find complaining that their “kaam wali bais” did not turn up today. Yes, nobody can beat them in arguing with the “sabjiwala”.!! They feel on the top of the world if they buy tomatoes for Rs.5/kg when the vendor describes the rates to be Rs.10/kg.!!  

So you see! It doesn’t matter how insensible and irrelevant are the womanly talks, they have their own charm. Importance of a thing is realized only when you have to live without it… !!!

The greatest quote ever...

Whenever I am tired or whenever I feel discouraged, I recite these few lines-

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep......

Simply encouraging.!

My Dream Friend...

I dream of a friend very very dear

Girl or boy, far or near

Full of love without any tear

Brave and courageous, devoid of fear

I dream of a friend closest to my heart

A part of my family chart

Always ready for a good start

We both be each other’s cart…

I dream of a friend with whom I can share

All my thoughts- dirty or fare

With whom I can fight- yes I dare!

Still we are full of love and care.

I dream of a friend

Who I can disturb even late in the night

Acting like a candle and showing all the light

Guiding each other in life’s left and right

Building a bonding very very tight.

It may happen-

Our likings may differ

Different things we may prefer

But we will help each other

Lest we should suffer

Acting like each other’s buffer.

I know such friends are hard to find

In this world of cruel and kind

Where people play with their mind

And have their own axes to grind.

But I am being optimistic

Side by side realistic

That day would be fantastic

When I will find my idealistic….

The Discrete Fourier Transform of life...

The other day I was sitting all alone in my room, with a book of DSP in my hand. The topic was Discrete Fourier Transform. Studying about the DFT of signals, a thought suddenly stroke my mind and I was lost thinking about it. Our life is similar to the process of DFT.!

DFT begins with the sampling of Fourier transform of a discrete signal. That discrete signal is obtained by slowly gathering the signals at certain quantized point of time. Life also portrays itself in a similar manner. But the process of DFT begins when we reach in our later stages. We spend most of our time developing the discrete signal   x[n]. Since the day we are born, we meet several people- some good, some bad, some friendly, some deceitful, some lovable, some adorable, some trustworthy, and so on… The list is perhaps endless. We select a handful of people. They become few samples of our signal x[n]. As time passes, we lose contacts with some of them. Or sometimes we learn by ourselves that they are the ones whom I need and they are the ones who need me; they are the ones whom I like and they are the ones who like me. And the other times our experience tells whom should we pick up.  The discrete signal loses some samples and adds some. This process of sampling may proceed slowly or with the Nyquist rate. Gradually we build x[n] completely. We are now with that group of wonderful people whom we admire the most. Our life revolves around them. They are our centre.

Now because they are our centre of life, we work for them and live for them. The curve stretches and we enclose ourselves in the 0 to +2pi (time can’t be –ve in real life.! ) Fourier transform of that discrete signal.

But as we move towards the later, later, and later stages of life, this curve breaks!  We now chose people from this list of favorites. We chose window functions (of course Hanning will be the best) to truncate the list. The list is modified and we are left with the Discrete Fourier Transform of life!

Poem for mom and dad...

Mummy-

My mom gave me birth
and told me several stories
She played with me
running all the storeys.
She taught me how to walk
she taught me how to write
she taught me how to eat
and she always kept me bright.!
She wiped out my tears
blowed away my fears
she scolded when I was wrong
building a bonding very very strong.!
She encouraged and motivated me
when I was quite low
"Get ready and move on
and work tip to toe".
She helped me when I was in  need
of a friend or a mother or both indeed.!
She taught me that
time is money
"Don't waste it or
you wouldn't taste the honey".!
She knows when I am glad
She knows when I am sundry
And she knows it before me
When I am hungry.!
My mom is the one
whom I love the most
We argue, we fight
but we share the secrets topmost.!!

Papa---

My dad taught me A, B, and C
and countings from one, two, and three.!
He organised my birthday parties: 02 to 20's
And gifted me carrom, chess and cookies.
He bought me a cycle
And taught me how to ride
Not letting me fall
on a lane, dust or tide.!!!
I remember all his scoldings
to me in maths
Failing but trying
Geo, Trigo and Stats.!
He got me things before I had asked
Cheap or expensive-nothing to be masked.
He gave me good education
with the best he had
I will be an engineer
All because of mom and dad.!

A tribute to M, PM, and PS.

It was August or September perhaps, and I was walking on the lane-carrying two or three photostated papers in my hand. I remember I was walking all alone. The dusk was falling upon but the sun had still not lost its shimmer. It was still as hot as it was in the afternoon.

It was the phase of my life when I was progressing towards the state of depression. I wasn't able to focus and would often be lost in my gloomy thoughts for hours and hours. I had found out a solution to this problem-study, study and study for 18 hours a day to escape from reality. For most of the time I was dwelled in books with no breaks and no source of entertainment or laughter. However I would always try to behave normally with my sister and my parents- weeping inside and not letting them know.!

I was on my way that I met M,PM and PS. After meeting them, I really don't know why, I felt extremely elated, rejuvinated all of a sudden. I knew them as my classmates but we had not undergone any sort of friendly chats ever before. But this time it was going to be different- altogether different.
We started talking and I told them about my dillemma by-the-by. I did not know them well and still I had shared my problem with them? Well, I have not been able to find the answer to this question as yet!

The effective treatment to my depression had begun. M, PM, and PS had started supporting me emotionally. Ofcourse they were not living with me!! They used to send me SMSs full of jokes. They would call me at any point of the day ( increasing their bills ) only to make me happy, so that I may not feel lonely.! They would give me nice songs to listen and gradually I went easy with them. I started sharing all my problems with them and would ask for their advice or suggestion at any point of the day and this 'ANY' has a gravity in "any point of the day". Time passed by and slowly but steadily I came out of the dreadly state of depression.

Now when I look back, I realise what have they done for me. They helped me when I needed someone the most. They supported me emotionally, mentally and by all sorts. They were the ones whom I could disturb at 1.30 in the morning too. They were the ones with whom I enjoyed shopping at Chawri Bazar.! They were the ones whom I first showed my earned cheque of 10000/-. They were the ones who taught me what life actually is. They were the ones who helped me in laughing.

Now, I admit, they are an IMPORTANT part of my life. They were strangers for me once and today they are dearest and closest to me. The triangle of M, PM, and PS is equilateral and I wish to join them to turn it into a square.! I don't know about them, but certainly I wouldn't forget them ever.!

Sorrowful world...

Nothing is constant in this life but a change. Life reveals itself in the form of bitter and cherishable instances. Some instances of  my life make me sad. I then lock the door of my room and start talking to myself, and in rare cases, start weeping. I ask myself, is my sadness worth lamenting? Am i being immature?
There is lot of sadness in this world, lot of problems and matters have much more gravity than that of mine. People lose their dear ones, they face accidents, some of them have diseases which are incurable. Some of them do not get proper food and some of them live below poverty line. Children are employed as labours and do not go to school. Brides are burnt and people are murdered.
See...!! There is a lot of sadness in this world. And I am lamenting on my petty matters!!! I then say to myself-"life is full of challenges and we have to face them bravely".
I wipe out my tears, unlock my room, and come out with a hope that one day these problems will be solved. One day I will be of some help to someone. One day, life will be full of happiness for all..!

Learning throughout...

Since the day a person is born, he is continually in the state of learning. His parents are his first teachers, especially the mother. He glances at the surroundings and learns various shapes, designs, objects, people, and all other things. Then he is admitted to school. He gets teachers to teach him. He gets books to learn from. He starts gaining all sorts of knowledge. And even when he enters in the later stages of life, this process of learning continues.

But is this it???

We need books for electronics, digital, mathematics and physics. But do we need books for gaining experience? Certainly not.!  The most important lesson of life is taught by the LIFE ITSELF. Life teaches us that it is not as beautiful as we had imagined from our rose tinted glasses! It is filled with the lava of sorrow. It is like a path composed of thorns crossing which is based on our wisdom and experience. The experience of life cannot be taught by any book.

It is not what a person has learned in his book, what matters is how he implements it; how he utilises his knowledge to lead a successful life..!

What does being practical mean??

Every day I find people here and there talking of being practical. Very first trait which is looked for in a person is whether he is practical or not. Counsellors suggest us to be practical. Our elders teach us to be practical. They share their experience of life and advice us to control our emotions and be practical. You mind over petty matters and guess what your friends will say? Their immediate reply to it would be,"Common yaar! Be practical!".

But does being practical mean you have to lose all your emotions? Or does it mean adopting unfair means to win the race of life? Or does it mean to indulge in corruption and get everything done smoothly? Does being practical mean you have to deceive your friend? Does it mean to have an incapable person snatching away a capable person's position?

No...

Being practical means you should be able to take right decisions at the right time. You have to be emotional and should know how to control your emotions. Being practical means helping your friend when he is need of you and not spoiling the notion of friendship... Being practical means carrying forward buisness in a fair way. Being practical means to be just...

If every human becomes practical, then guess what this world will be like??

Reasons why I don't believe in God...

Everyday I hear of brides burnt due to dowry, inncoent people murdered, children doing labour, incapable people occupying all the higher positions, good people facing all the sorrows. I see people lying in coma for 5 decades with no change in their condition. I see people paralysed lying all on the road. I see inncoent people rendered homeless due to natural calamities. I see them losing their near and dear ones....  and all sorts of injustice...People say God is there. But if He is really there then WHY DOES HE NOT MAKE HIS PRESENCE FELT??? Why does he not help them?? Why is the justice not provided immediately? Why do the innocent people have to suffer a lot?? I ask myself how can the humans be so cruel? After all we are humans.. How can a human kill another human??  And why is God so cruel?? Definitely he must not be there. Otherwise he would have surely made his presence felt....

Sometimes..

Sometimes I ponder over what do i really want? What really makes me sad? Sometimes I hurt someone. I dwindle over why did i quarrel?? Why was I so tensed that I fought with the one whom I like the most? Why I bursted on my most liked one? Why am I not talking to the one whom I admire the most?? And sometimes I look for the ways i can make them smile..I find people are far better than me... they are intelligent, they are good speakers, good managers,and all better. I start introspecting. I start finding what is the mistake in me... in what way can i improve myself? What should I do? I try m best. And sometimes I find I am suceeding. Sometimes I find I am not. I guess this is life.. We learn good things in others. We try to imbibe them in ours-in our own way...

Mind over matter..!

Age is an issue of mind over matter.If u dont mind, it doesnt matter.!