Exams are over.!!!

So, I am back! After complete three months. A lot has happened in these three months. But still, you see I don’t have an subject to write upon. I don’t have any idea of what I am going to write in this post. All I know is I am in a cheerful mood today. No no…I am not yet placed through campus placements. Nor have I won a jackpot. Rather today I broke my spectacles..:-P You see, I cannot read anything without my “specs”. And now my head is aching like anything. !!! The only reason which makes me happy today is “my exams are over“.:-D:-P

Yes, my exams are over. And it is not as if my “do nothing holidays” have begun; nor do I have some extended plans for a stupendous weekend.  But still I am very glad. I don’t know what it is; nor do I know why it is so, but finishing of exams always makes me very happy. The feeling that at least now I can relax and now I will not have to bog my mind in the stupid syllabus of R.R.Gulati of Consumer Electronics or deal with the esoteric and jargonic language of Rajkaml of Embedded Systems (which I guess, only Rajkamal can understand.!!! :-P ) gives me a leviathan freedom. it gives me freedom to sit with my piano and go on playing it endlessly for hours and hours. Once exams are over, I get equipped with plenty of time to go to park and walk. It gives me a day to forget about file-submission; a day to stop being apprehensive about my research paper and a day to take my mind out of Reddy sir’s embedded systems’ projects!  It gives me a day to play with my 2 year old neighbor girl. It gives me an opportunity to sit with my sister, crack some non-sense jokes and laugh on them endlessly. :-P

But above all, it gives my mom a chance to catch hold of me and make me cook. (**** chalo mitu, gobi-aloo banana seekho, chalo roti banao:-P****). I have to admit, I don’t like cooking at all. But who wins when it is a one-to-one match between you and your mom??? I guess you don’t have any alternative in this regard. Mommies always win. :-P:-P

Not so “Happy” Diwali

Today is Diwali and it is not happy for me. Considering all the losses which I have suffered this year, it, infact, cannot be. It seems neither luck nor circumstances are favoring me. And I, I am losing my self-confidence day after day. It is not that I am not trying to win over these difficult situations. Rather, I am putting in my best efforts. I am putting in my soul and heart in achieving my crystal clear dreams. I am not digressed and I am not confused. I am completely dedicated for them. But still with every passing month, I am greeted by nothing but failures; failures which are shaking my confidence and failures which are delving me more and more into profound loneliness.

Beginning with January, I tried hard to convince my parents that they allow me go to coaching. But they did not. I continued to convince them till June. But all in vain; and this is my first failure. I then started preparing for the exam on my own with the aim of completing the complete syllabus in two months of summer vacations. And see, I did finish it with all sorts of questions practiced. Next I tried to get contact with a good company for Industrial training and indeed I got one; but the internship was there in Shillong or Jammu. I could not go there because I was preparing for the exams and therefore I had to work as an intern in some local company. And that training does not have much value. This is my 2^nd failure. Months passed and a fortnight before reopening of my college, I came to know that C-DOT is visiting our campus for placements. I prepared for it completely; reading all the text books thouroughly, surfing through the net to find placement papers and questions, and practicing for the interview daily. I had thus put in my best efforts. The interview also went very well. I managed to answer all the questions, and presented myself with full confidence. But when the results were announced my name was nowhere to be seen! I had always been a bright student and ranked third in my college. And infact the interview had also gone very good. Still I have to face this scenario. And this is my third failure. C-DOT was my dream company and I was very much broken when I could not make into it. Also, there wasn’t anybody who could tell me my faults so that I may work on them. Simply nobody. Before C-DOT, I had given interview for Winshuttle. But it did not take any student from ECE branch. It, in fact, did not bother me much because I was not expecting for Winshuttle. I was totally focused on C-DOT. After it I have given interviews in Adobe and Capital-IQ. But they are s/w companies and don’t prefer electronics students. Still I have nobody to guide me. I often ask myself, have I made a mistake by not choosing CSE? Have I or Have I not? After facing 4 rejections, anyone’s self-confidence can shake and hopes break. As if it was not enough, another blow came to me. We, 4^th years, were removed (Still we don’t know why…) from the Techno-Literati society; the society I had been working for for the past 4 years, and the society for whose post of Vice-President I had been nominated by my seniors. We could not question the society’s teacher because she is “very khadoos”. This is my fourth failure. Now talking about the exam I was supposed to give. I soon realized that my concepts were a little bit weak and they could have been made stronger if I were given proper coaching. I wanted to appear for GATE with full preparation and sound concepts. But realizing my situation, I dropped the idea of giving the exam and did not fill the form! And then came the news that all the PSUs have made GATE score as their most important criteria for recruitment! And because I had not filled the GATE form, doors of PSUs were totally shut were for me. And without sound concepts it wouldn’t be useful sitting for ISRO. I always wanted to be an astronaut or space engineer. With ECE, I could have made into ISRO. But all my dreams were shattered. And the tragedy is I am still not placed anywhere. This is my fifth failure.

With so many big failures, I am beginning to lose my self-confidence. I am bit sure that I will get placed in one or the other company on-campus. But will it be my dream company? Will I be able to work in it? And will I ever be able to take coaching so that I can make into ISRO? How will I find out time from my (would be) busy working schedule for coaching? Will I have to drop? Why is my bad luck favoring me? Questions galore and I am trying to find their answers by spending sleepless nights.

If you exist, then please listen….

While writing this, my eyes are completely filled with tears, my mind is weeping and my heart is broken. I am sitting alone in my room and thinking of the girl who is completely unknown to me, whom I have never met before, and about whose appearance I can only imagine. But it seems I have known for long because I can feel her pain, I can understand what trauma she is going through and how much struggle she is facing in her life. Here I go…

The other day my mom told me about Ms. Kaurobi, her colleague in school. She is an unmarried Bengali girl, perhaps 27 years of age. Her family includes 3 married sisters and a “before time retired father”. Her mom had succumbed to injuries when she was quite young. Her father had to take retirement before time to get money for treatment of her mother, to get money to marry his 3 daughters, andto get money to get no pension in the future. Kaurobi witnessed all this at a very short age of 15 years and circumstances made her mature before time. They made her self-motivated and determined. Immediately after completing her standard 12^th, she started teaching in a school and till date is doing so. With the salary she gets(10000/- pm perhaps), she is pursuing her graduation, taking care of her father, and meeting all the daily expenditures in this big city Delhi. She also does the complete household work by herself because, of course, she cannot afford hiring a maid. She has an air-conditioner at her 2 room flat but hardly does she puts it ON. Her father is also unemployed. With so many responsibilities on her shoulders and lack of time, it isn’t any wonder that she never ever brings complete and nutritious lunch in the school—either roti-achaar, or plain chawal, DAILY. (Her favorite dishes are fish and chawal.) She neither has a friend nor anyone who can help her, with whom she can share her feelings. All that she feels is loneliness…  

When principal of the school scolds her for petty issues, when senior teachers make fun of her attire, she does not reply anything!!! Finding an opportunity and taking into belief Ms. Kaurobi, my mom asked her the reason of her ever increasing silence. And she weepingly replied--- “I am needy, ma’am. So I dare not say anything which can threaten my job in this school.” This was the complete answer to all her problems and she narrated all what had happened in her life to my mom. Since then my mom has been sharing half lunch with her.

I salute the courage with which she is facing all problems in her life. I don’t believe in god, I have certain enmity with Him but because people say god exists and always solves the problems of anyone who prays to Him, I leave my ego aside and pray to you god with folded hands—Please help her. Don’t be so rude. Give her some happiness; happiness which she deserves. I leave aside all my hatred towards you, and pray--- Pleassssse help her. Give her the courage to face all sorts of problems. Have mercy on her.

Saying thanks would simply not be enough…

This article of mine is dedicated to my mom and dad. Since the day I was born, they have supported me by all sorts. Their love is selfless, and their care priceless.

I have seen my dad struggling and rising from the post of clerk in a bank, where he was supposed to work for eight hours in a STANDING position, to the position of bank manager. I have seen him spending more than half of his salary on my education. I have seen him struggling hard to accommodate a house of his own. It’s not at all easy to live in a city like Delhi with only one person earning. I have seen him fighting against all the oddities and still calm. I have seen him not sharing his sorrow with anyone. Howsoever harsh the situation might be, he had never made us feel the burden of the situation. I remember my dad gifting me walkman, carom, chess, laptop, mobile phone, etc. on my birthdays. I remember how he would teach me mathematics, and scold me sometimes even when he couldn’t get the answer!  If I calculate, then till now (that is 20 years), he has spend approximately 60-70 lakhs only on me- my education, my clothes, my food, etc, etc, etc.  In this amount he would have easily accommodated one or two houses. But he did not do it…!  And it is not only the question of money. Along with lakhs of amount, what he has given to me is immense love, care, and affection--- which I think would value more than trillions and zillions.

I have seen my mom leaving her job (for 20 years!!!) only to bring me up. I can easily recall how she would take care of me whenever I was ill. She would not sleep! I remember how she would play with me. I remember my mom getting at 5 in the morning only to get me ready for my 7am school, only to give me good breakfast, and only to make me smile. I never needed any tuition because she was an excellent tutor. It’s only because of her that today my basics are strong. I remember my mom wiping out my tears whenever I was sad. I remember how she would make me participate in various fancy dress competitions and (hats off to her), I would always win…! I remember how she was always on her toes to admit me to some useful summer vacation courses every year. Just to name a few-swimming, dancing, piano, dholak, mehendi, computer courses, etc, etc, I remember how during exams she would make us complete our syllabus in the day itself so that we may not have to study till late in the night. I remember how more than me, my mom was anxious in knowing my board exam result. I remember how she had jumped with joy when she came to know that I had got 93 marks in Hindi subject in my class X boards  (and I was expecting only 70!!!), which, of course, she had taught to me. I remember how she would make all types of dishes- north Indian, south Indian, Chinese, etc, etc,- at home so that we may not have to go to restaurants. My birthday falls on chilling and teeth biting day of 5^th January. I remember we did not have any maid at our house. So during my birthday parties she alone would have to prepare good food and then clean the utensils in almost freezing water. I remember she was the only one who argued with my dad and convinced him so because I wanted to undergo coaching in my class 11^th. She did not care about the fees!!! It was 21000/-, a big amount for us….

I do not need words to tell them that I am sad; they can judge it by my silence itself- a situation where my friends might fail. Thankfully, I don’t need to ask them sorry; they forgive me always.  I feel happy that I have someone whom I can talk to at any point of the day. I don’t need appointments to meet them or disturb them or even call them. I am fortunate enough to have parents who have never ever forced their wishes upon me. I get before I wish. They have fulfilled all my wishes. They gave me good name, good education, and all before I could tell them that I want it!

Today I am 100% sure that to whichever corner of the world I may go, my parents will always be there beside me. Unlike friends, they wouldn’t think of the telephone bill and will talk to me endlessly on phone whether it is local, or STD, or ISD. I might sometimes feel alone or ignored with my friends, but I feel special in the company of my parents. AND MY LITTLE SISTER HAS A SPECIAL ROLE TO PLAY IN IT.

To all that my parents have done for me, I would be extremely happy even if I am able to do 0.00001% of it for them. Their debt is the only debt in this world which, I think, can never be re-payed. Parents take care of their children in the best possible manner, fighting against all the odds. They support them emotionally, physically, and socially. Saying thanks to what they have done would simply not be enough….  

Infinite to know

The other day, I was watching some interesting facts of history on TV. They were talking of the Travancore rule and about the mysteries of pandavas and kauravas. They were discussing of the immense wealth which dynasties used to hold ages ago with an oomph !

I realized all of a sudden that there is a lot to know. Information around us is unbound. My life keeps on revolving around DCS and AE, minors and majors, internals and externals, and I hardly think about anything other than my books. Yes, this is just a speck of information which I am learning. Many more vistas are there which I haven’t touched even.!

Our universe is vast and a lot has to be studied about it. History is mysterious and its secrets need to be unveiled. Music is composed of just seven literals and any song can be composed from them !!! Just vary the complexity.!  Lot to be studied!!!  I don’t even know what is the exact map of earth and to which continents do the various nations belong? I also don’t know how to prepare good food and I am unaware of the technicalities of working in an organization. I have to complete reading all the parts of Harry Potter series and I don’t know who Macbeth was.  I am still not over with my B.Tech and I have yet to learn a Master’s Course!  Most importantly, I also have to gain great experiences of life.

See… There is splendid amount of knowledge around us and a lot more to be explored. Our aim should be to learn as much as possible, and effectively utilize them in our lives.  I guess one lifetime wouldn’t suffice !!!!